Her whole life, Sarah has felt like a part of her life was missing, a crucial puzzle piece lost between the small box that is her life. Every question about her biological dad was met with an evasive answer or an awkward silence. She distinctly remembered wishing on her birthday candles to meet her dad on her 5th birthday, and ever since then, all her candles were spent on meeting him. Every single moment she had with her mom was cherished, she always felt her mom was enough to fill in the empty slot in her family tree, yet the mystery of her father was constantly growing, gnawing at her from the inside out.
Even when her mom remarried when she turned 9, her determination towards finding his identity never wavered, it only grew stronger until the day she turned 15, when she blew out her candles but didn't wish to meet him, instead finally deciding that it was time to stop daydreaming of what he could be, and start finding who he is.
April 27th, 2018. Months after her 15th birthday at 3:26 am, she decided it was time. She scoured through old photo albums, forgotten letters, and even called up her grandparents, needing to unearth any sort of clue that could lead to her biological father.
Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and suddenly she was 2 months away from turning 16 and she had nothing. She was obsessed with finding the truth. Her sweet sixteen, which was once a day she was looking forward to since she was little, became forgotten between sleepless nights at the library, piecing together fragments of whatever precious information she could find about her mystery dad.
Her mom was beyond worried; she was an emotional woman who cared deeply for her daughter. She had boundaries and standards for herself, as she always had, but she was starting to worry that Sarah lost them as the lines that defined her life became blurrier and blurrier. Sarah rarely ate, she lost contact with her dearest friends, and the sleep she got was scarce. Her stepfather, a more relaxed individual, took pride in having Sarah as his stepdaughter; seeing as they were really close despite her not growing up with him, nor him raising her. He was a good anchor in her life with his good-natured attitude and easy smile, he always gave good advice and spoke nothing but the truth, even if it could hurt. So when he approached her with a worried gaze, she knew she was deep down the rabbit hole. It was a problem, yet she didn't want to stop.
Then, on the eve of her 16th birthday, just as she was about to give up, she stumbled upon a revelation that would completely change the course of her life forever. She found out her fathers identity, and it was none other than… her own stepfather, the man she had grown to trust as her father figure. She was dumbfounded, shocked, and most of all angry. How could her mother obscure the identity of her father?!! And, out of all people, she had “hidden him” in plain sight. Did she think Sarah was stupid? Apparently so, because keeping such a monumental secret like that seems to be impossible, yet her mom did just that with such ease.
Sarah was appalled. Confusion at this point was a secondary emotion. She wanted to confront her mom and yell at her until her lungs gave out and her throat dried out. She wanted to scream and insult her mom and her father both, yet she kept it all in soft but angry murmurs as she paced around her room in a fury. But really, despite everything, she wanted to curl into her dad's tight embrace that she has known for so long and engulf in the fact that she knows him. She knows her father. It's been her life-long wish and she has unknowingly accomplished it.
But doubt clouded her mind. Is there a reason as to why they didn't tell her? Is there a dark backstory to this, is this dangerous to know? Maybe they were protecting her from something, like in those spy movies she's seen. She never found any incriminating information on her dad, so maybe she was just overreacting. She wanted to be accepting of the situation; her dad was a great guy and she now knows his identity, yet there was something that didn't quite fit, she felt there was still another puzzle piece left to be uncovered. But for now, this would have to do. She would see how to approach them the next day when her mind cleared up. So the last thought that crossed her mind was that she at least had parents, as she let sleep consume her.
To be continued…
By Sofía Lencioni, Step 9
